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Edited:
Unfinished
Dear Jolo,
I find that this is long over due, but might as well let it all out. To be sincerely honest, I still have this boiling bitterness inside of me on how things ended with us. Our relationship left a sour taste in my mouth that I can’t seem to get rid of. It doesn’t matter what I do, I always come crawling back to you, to how things were/are and baffled and astonishingly annoyed why I can’t get rid with the thought of you.
Then, I heard about your little endeavour, your luxurious trip that you somehow convinced one of our friends to tag a long. I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t feel a pang of jealousy since it used to be the 3 of us constantly planning things/ganaps before and now, I felt left out. To add on to that, the worst is, it should’ve been the two of us.
It made me wonder if it ever cross your mind all the things that I’ve done for you along with my pure intentions for you to do well in everything. I only wanted what’s best for you, only thought of your feelings and how not having a job depresses you. I made sure I was there when you needed me despite the stubbornness and reluctancy in you to seek for help. I was always on stand by.
I supported you and lend you my strength to help you get back up on your own feet. I didn’t say I made it all happen for you but don’t you think I was also a part of it? Even just a slight portion of your success right now?
Cliché to say, but I was there, you know?
And now, you’re starting to get your life back.
I am happy for your achievements because it made me feel that, I was somewhat apart of them. I witnessed how you struggled and rise and for that, I admired you more and was— still is very proud.
Yet, with all those light, it perhaps(?) blinded you and you casted me out in the shadow. Too fast, too quick, too sudden.
I don’t exist anymore, I became a fragment of convenience that somehow became a nuisance and a baggage for you.
Why must it sound/feel so selfish when you said you wanted to work on yourself/career?
Why does choosing yourself pains me more that it made everything we shared became meaningless to you?
I aim for days when all these questions doesn’t bother me anymore. When answers don’t matter anymore.
I hope when that time comes, you’ll just going to be that ‘someone’…
Someone that I used to care for —dearly
That ‘someone’ that used to matter.
January 3, 2022
Day43
I finally finished the book that felt like I’ve been reading for ages and yet seemed like only for days. I can still vividly remember each details as to how the book/story started and ended. Somehow, I have grown attached to it, that I was holding myself back onto finishing it and had also engrossed in nights where I have lost myself in pages that made time seemingly few by without far in any notice on my end. Basically just a girl basking in the spell of rustic, newly published smell of pages on a regular weekday night after a long day.. sounds about right.
In other worlds, it was spell-binding.
Looking at it, it can be intimidating by the bundle of it and I’d be lying to say that there weren’t any moments where I found it very flat and boring but there were perks to it. It made you more engaged into further reading it to see whether the story would pick up.
It made you intrigued in the most fascinating way where you’d wonder what is going on in this writer’s mind to be able to compose a such. How the author collided two separate worlds into one.
I did feel a little emotional finishing it. I had a swarm of emotions filling me in and pilling up while the characters had their closures and endings. When they finally found the light and their ways to each other.
One of the main character in the book suffered so much and had lost hope. Until to the ends of her life, to her restless soul wandering after thousands and thousands of years finding redemption, vengeance or perhaps just a lonely soul finding forgiveness to her own self and a love she never once get to hold?
I shed a tear, somehow, I couldn’t figure out if it was because I was happy, sad or relieved with how it ended.
It was a great book.. a masterpiece I supposed.